MISS MOOX: people

  • Bags

    I have a habit of storing plastic bags, and, when I go to the supermarket to do my shopping, taking them along with me. This is to prevent myself receiving fifty gazillion more each and every time I shop which will carry my groceries for perhaps ten minutes between the store and my house and then go into a landfill somewhere to do their bit to clog up the biosphere for ten million years (do plastic bags ever break down?). This way, the idea goes, I will be doing my bit to save the environment and put a tiny finger in the very leaky dam that stands in the way of the flood of thousands and millions and trillions of plastic bags leaving supermarkets every day. Every day. Think of it. Think of how many they give you, then multiply that by how many people shop at your supermarket, and contemplate the staggering amount of plastic bag wastage that goes on at one supermarket alone. Then multiply that by all the stores in the world and, well—it's frightening.

    I severely miss the supermarket I shopped at in Toronto, which charged you 5 cents per plastic bag. The bags were capacious and sturdy and if you had forgotten to bring some of your own, it was worthwhile buying a few because they could be stored up at home for the next trip or used as dandy garbage bags. Failing that, there was a helpful stash of empty cardboard boxes that produce and the like came in to be had for the taking, if you were driving or had the African habit of carrying things on your head. This served very nicely to keep to an absolute minimum the number of plastic bags leaving the store, and to encourage everyone to bring their own and to stuff them as fully as possible. It was a brilliant system. And since most of the people who shopped there were recent immigrants from India, Africa, the Middle East, China and the Caribbean, who knew about economy and whose cash flow was generally not overwhelming, people followed it scrupulously.

    But, sadly, there is no supermarket like it, that I know of, in this area.

    And so, at the checkout registers of the supermarkets, plastic bags flow as freely as water. Buying a pack of gum? Put it in a plastic bag. Bread? Has to go by itself in another plastic bag. Cans? Three of 'em will be put into a double-bagger. By the time it's over, fifty dollars' worth of groceries has procured you fifty bags to boot.

    Most people are quite happy with this system. They stroll with their trollies stuffed full of bags to the car and take them home where presumably they keep some of them for cat litter and garbage bags and, I don't know, throw out the rest? I can't imagine one household creating a demand for that many plastic bags in one week, ever.

    Cashiers and bag boys like giving you plastic bags. It is what they are used to. Your purchases can be swiftly and easily deposited into bags using the neat little hanging system they have by their counter and hoisted into your trolley for takeaway. They know by heart what things should go into what bags and how many things to put in each bag and what to double-bag and what needs to go by itself. They like their little system. It is safe, predictable, easy, quick, and they can do it without thinking. I don't blame them. It's their job.

    And then along come I to put a monkey wrench into the works.

    Because I politely request that they use the plastic bags that I've brought. Or if it's just one or two items I just say, "I don't need a bag, thanks." Most of the time they are in the midst of swift and automatic movement to deposit my purchases into a bag. And they have to stop, and re-calculate. And look at me as if either I've grown three heads and announced that I'll be commuting home in my spaceship, or as if they've had to take their brains out of park to deal with me and they are not very happy with the disruption to their routine.

    Most of the time, they will politely comply. However, this is with varying degrees of success. Often, the bag boys don't realize that the giant canvas bag I carry my bags in is actually a BAG, and thus capable of stowing groceries in. So once I had a kind but befuddled bag boy give me new plastic bags in lieu of using the canvas one, which he folded neatly and returned to me. Once I told a cashier I didn't need the bag she'd put my purchase in, only for her to turn around and throw it out (I suppose it was unusable after holding a fleece jacket for all of three seconds).

    Last time I went shopping, the cashier, who hadn't heard my request, swiftly stuffed the few remaining items the bag boy hadn't yet gotten to into three new plastic bags. Then, the bag boy, now having two of my original bags left over, kindly put them into ANOTHER plastic bag for me to take home! I was staggered. I don't know what kept me from saying anything because it lurched forward out of my protesting brain and then somehow got stopped at my tongue. I suppose it's fear of making a public scene, or being perceived as peculiar and idiosyncratic, or of annoying someone who is doing you a service by requesting them to do it in the manner you actually desire. Whatever it was, I didn't say anything, but I carefully and vengefully left those three or four extra bags in the trolley when I returned it. I don't know what happened to them. Probably they just got thrown out. But at least it wasn't me who did it.

  • An Open Letter to the Fashion Industry

    Dear Sirs and Madames,

    Sometime in the last half-century (or more accurately probably, in the last decade), one of your number awoke from a lobotomy (or direct physical attack to the head, or alien abduction, or something equally drastic), and thought, "Low-waisted trousers! The next thing in fashion!"

    And somehow, out of all the hare-brained and idiotic ideas which are perpetrated in fashion designers' heads and parade down runways thankfully never to be seen again in the world of humankind, this one survived. And made its way to every single tiny little clothing store on the planet, to become de rigeur for jeans and trousers of every cut. That is, if they are designed for anybody under fifty.

    And now, thanks to this unknown genius, it is impossible to buy pants which have more than about two inches of waist. There is not only low, but ultra-low and super-low. And you have no choice but to succumb to this ridiculousness, if you want to buy trousers which are Not Dorky.

    Standing up, they rest directly on what I believe are known as the pubic bones. Which is all very well and good. Until you attempt sitting down or bending over, upon which they slide down nicely to reveal about fifteen inches of skin, half of your underwear, and certain anatomical details I won't describe except to say they are commonly known by the same name as those lines that occur at regular intervals in the sidewalk.

    Which may be fine for some people. I, however, subscribe to the old-fashioned theory that clothing is actually supposed to cover you. When I buy pants, I want them to be pants. Not leg covers. Anything less may be called Decorative Bits of Hanging for the Human Body, but not clothing. And I don't want to shell out my hard-earned money for it.

    There must be other people in the world who find it ironic that trousers cover every single inch of your leg, but up top, where it really counts, they leave you hanging. Literally.

    So: Messrs. and Mesdames Fashion Industry, a plea: please, please, by all the Fashion Power invested in you by goodness knows who, would you please come to your senses and determine that the next thing in fashion is going to be jeans with normal waistlines! That are actually cool! That are marketed to people younger than fifty! That cover you not only when you are standing upright but in every other possible contortion of the human body! I'm not talking about the above-the-belly-button styles that were popular up until the eighties, but it would be nice to come closer to that ideal.

    Good sense, and irritated consumers everywhere, demand it of you.

    Sincerely,
    A Shopper

  • Grateful

    Grateful

    Hi to all my dear family and friends,
    Today I have three special people that I want to THANK.

    Cindy from "OLD TIME FARMHOUSE" BLOG surprised me by choosing my name to win her vintage apron Giveaway.
    I love aprons...and, especially, gingham ones!

    Paula from "SUGAR SWEET AND PINK" BLOG created and lovingly stitched such sweet gifts for me. I'd like to share a few of them with you.
    I love each one!

    Mark...my hubby
    Thank you, Honey, for the cute as pie polka dot tea pot
    and the matching polka dot plates.
    You know just what I like.
    You are such a sweetheart 

    Polka Dots...
    Whiskers on Kittens...
    My favorite color...Red
    These are a few of my favorite things!
    
    

    Paula, My darling adopted daughter created this adorable kitty cat.
    She designed the pattern and the hand stitched touches.
    Paula added the crowning touch...the tiny blue and white creamer and saucer.
    I adore it, Paula!

    You guessed it...
    A few more of my favorite things!
    Gifts from my hubby...

    More RED...
    and
    More pretty Polka Dots!

    "My Little RED shoe Pincushion"
    It sits proudly in my sewing room.

    "Raggedy Ann"
    Do you see the light blue gingham apron draped over the chair back?
    Can you guess WHO gave it to me?

    Heart Shaped Pockets...
    Oh...How cute, Cindy!
    I love your darling giveaway!

    Cindy sent me this sweet vintage apron.
    I don't have the heart or wear it and get it dirty...
    I think it will hang proudly in my kitchen.

    My RED vintage kitchen chair
    with country tole painting.
    I found this at a Craft Faire in Tennessee.
    It has been used as a high chair for little visitors
    and has sat in my kitchen for many years.

    Sweet Paula gave me this beautiful vintage linen table cloth.
    I love the fine stitching and RED crocheted edging.
    Thank you, dear.

    Gifts from my sweet Paula
    Play Pals...
    Patti, Penny & Kitty

    "When you wish upon a star
    Makes no difference who you are
    Anything your heart desires
    Will come to you.

    If your heart is in your dream
    No request is too extreme
    When you wish upon a star
    As dreamers do.

    Fate is kind
    She brings to those to love
    The sweet fulfillment of
    Their secret longing.

    Like a bolt out of the blue
    Fate steps in and sees you through
    Your dreams come true."

    (Disney Theme Song)

    Special thanks to:
    Paula at www.sugarsweetandpink.blogspot.com
    and
    Cindy at www.oldtimefarmouse.blogspot.com

    Each week I love joining in my favorite blog parties. I'm linking with:
    Boogie Board Cottage
    www.boogieboardcottage.blogspot.com
    Mockingbird Hill Cottage
    www.mockingbirdhillcottage.com
    Sunny Simple Life
    www.sunnysimplelife.blogspot.com
    The Dedicate House
    www.thededicatedhouse.blogspot.com
    The Little Red House
    www.dearlittleredhouse.blogspot.com
    Etsy Cottage Style
    www.etsycottagestyle.blogspot.com
    Cozy Little House
    www.cozylittlehouse.com
    Knick Of Time
    www.knickoftimeinteriors.blogspot.com
    Lavender Cottage Dreams
    www.lavendergardencottage.blogspot.com
    Have A Daily Cup of Mrs Olson
    www.jannolson.blogspot.com
    My Rose Chintz
    www.sandimyyellowdoor.blogspot.com
    Common Ground
    www.debrasvintagedesigns.blogspot.com
    Farmgirl Friday Blog Hop
    www.deborahjeansdandelionhouse.blogspot.com
    I Gotta Create
    www.igottacreate.blogspot.com
    Rooted In Thyme
    www.rootedinthyme.blogspot.com
    The Charm of Home
    www.thecharmofhome.blogspot.com
    Meet and Greet Blog Hop by Laurie
    www.createdbylaurie.blogspot.com
    Show-Licious Saturday's
    www.sew-licious.blogspot.com

  • WE NEED TO TALK.

    WE NEED TO TALK.

    So, this has always been a strictly design based blog. I've never been very personal on here. I find that difficult. I'm shy, private by nature, my sense of humour is bone dry, and well, I'm British. However, I want that to change (not the British part, naturally). Don't worry, I'm not suddenly going to get all over sharey on you (sharey?) but towards the end of last year and now this year, things have started to change with me and while it's a long and complicated tale which I will save for another time, I felt the time was right to try and make a change.
    When I started this blog (I had a previous one back in '08) it was to aid my new business and to get a sense of what the community was all about - was this something I wanted to pursue? Could I keep it going etc. Since then, blogging has become more than a way to keep my business going. I won't lie and say it has no place within my business because the truth of the matter is that it is my main source of work and for that I am always truly grateful. However, the more I get to know people through blogging the more I love it for that very reason - getting to know like minded people. The world has changed in the past decade. Ten years ago when I was in my early 20s I would never have guessed that I would be into chatting to be people on the Internet... God forbid! But now with blogs & Twitter etc it's totally normal and I like that. I've met so many great people through blogging, that I feel my world both socially and professionally has changed irrevocably for the better. I've met lots of people in person and formed real friendships. Then there's those people who are too far away geographically to meet, but who I still have real tangible friendships with and who I genuinely know will be in my life for a long, long time.
    But the fact remains that I feel as though I need to redress the balance on my own blog to reflect how it has changed as a platform for me and my work. And, how I have changed as a person. One thing it has given me which I will forever be grateful for (and which I continue to struggle with on a daily basis) is increased confidence (which is going to be the subject of another blog post soon - it's all too much for one post).
    The thing is, I could go on about this subject for hours. Literally. But to cut a long story short, I intend to make my blog more of a place to come and chat alongside all the design stuff (that's not going anywhere!) and I hope you'll join me, still. I really do love having you visit here and it means so much to me to know you're out there. (See, I'm doing it! But, while it's still a bit against my nature, please bear with me!). After all, your support has made it possible for me to discover a career I never thought I'd be able to achieve... going it alone and freelancing and sustaining myself. The past two years have been unbelievable (both with highs and lows) and a lot of that is because I started this blog.
    So, onwards, friends... thanks again and as always, I'd love to know your thoughts.
    (I know, how utterly un-British of me! *waves Union Jack, makes a cup of tea, sings God Save The Queen and complains about the weather* Aaaand, relax).

  • RECENT WORK: CEREAL MAGAZINE (PT 2)

    RECENT WORK: CEREAL MAGAZINE (PT 2)

    These days when I travel I tend to use blogs as my primary tour guides with guide books being my secondary source of information (oh and I should point out at this stage that I am a major research geek when it comes to travel... not joking... I'm all about the detail). I love first hand knowledge of where the good stuff really is, and you can't beat someone who actually lives in an area or at least knows it really well. This brings me to Cereal mag whose focus on travel reminds me of those personal recommendations I love so much. They always have real insider tips of where to go and what to see and seem to have the ability to delve a little deeper to present the reader with a tailored experience of one place or another, rather than just a general overview. It's all in the detail people, I'm telling you!
    Recently I collaborated on another of their blog posts - this one being about a shop in Seoul called Your Mind. (Can we just take a moment to appreciate what a great name that is?... Ok. Are we done? Ok, let's move on.) It sounds like the most perfect shop full of amazing pieces that I would probably haul back in a spare suitcase I'd consequently had to buy in order to fit it all in.
    Your Mind in Cereal's words: "A haven for indie magazines, artsy books, cool stationery, records and the like, Your Mind in Seoul, Korea is a meticulously curated shop that you could easily lose yourself in, doting on say, a niche foodie title, or rifling through a selection of cards and CDs."
    Please check out the full post over on Cereal's blog, here . And while you're at it, have a great weekend, ok? Good.

  • BEAUTY IN MOTION

    BEAUTY IN MOTION

    . I came across these two videos independently of each other but felt they somehow belonged together.
    The first video is by Keaton Henson a 24 year old London based singer songwriter/artist whose debut album Dear came out last year. This particular video is called To Your Health which, aside from the music, features a stunning ballet performance. (I wish I knew her name, sorry). I love everything about this video from Henson's vocals right through to the hazy light spilling through the windows, not to mention the dancer and that dress! Henson's artwork is currently on display at his first solo exhibition Hithermost (until Saturday) at the Pertwee Anderson & Gold gallery in Soho. See more of his work here.
    The second video is quite simply the moon rising over New Zealand as captured by astrophotographer Mark Gee. But it's in REAL TIME, people. I KNOW! And as they say in this accompanying article: "...take another look at the video. This isn't a time-lapse. This is celestial movement happening at real, human speed." Beauty indeed.

    . .

  • Outdoors

    A few months ago, I spent a week living with a family who kindly offered to take me in when my then-residence was overrun by relatives, necessitating appropriation of every available sleeping space. So for a week I inhabited the second family's basement guest room.

    Living with anyone is an interesting and educational experience: you quickly get an honest and intimate portrait of who they are as people that is simply not possible any other way. It is rawer, realer, and sometimes drastically different than their social face. In their accustomed habitat, it is impossible for people to hide themselves. Everything from eating habits to leisure time to handling conflict is an open book to those with whom you share living quarters.

    This can be a good or a bad thing. The revelations range from the trivial (they eat a lot of sugary cereal) to the shocking (she's been viewing online dating profiles even though she has a boyfriend). Sometimes they can verge on the unbearable (she keeps using my things, leaving the window open in the freezing cold, and bossing me around about everything I do).

    Having lived or stayed with many different people, for differing periods of time, over the past several years, I've had plenty of up-front opportunity to avail myself of this education in humanity.

    But I digress.

    One of the things that surprised me the most about this family I stayed with was the leisure-time habits of their three young boys. Ranging in age from five to eleven, they came home from school every afternoon and promptly flopped down in front of the TV. Flicking it on, they lost themselves in rapt contemplation of kids' programs, movies, or video games until bedtime. Even things like eating or doing homework seemed to be viewed as interruptions to tube time: they'd reluctantly get up, quickly do the task assigned, and released, flop back down in front of the TV. Nearly every waking moment not taken up by absolutely necessary functions was devoted to the television. I don't mean they did nothing else with their leisure time: but their attention almost inevitably gravitated toward the TV at any given opportunity, like some kind of invisible but invincible pull of natural law. Even though the weather was nice, I never saw them play outside.

    I suppose the reason I was surprised was that it was so different from how my brothers and I grew up. One of the quirky policies of my family that I am thankful for (amid the many I am not), was the banning of television from our home. Even though it was done for reasons I would not necessarily agree with now, I am deeply grateful that it was because I'm convinced it contributed to our intellectual and physical development.

    Deprived of mindless entertainment, we were forced to turn to other occupations. Every waking moment not taken up by school was spent outdoors when the weather was fine. Joining up with our neighbourhood friends, we organized ourselves into teams to play the sport of the moment (football, baseball, basketball, dodgeball, road hockey, 4-square, obstacle courses, hide-and-seek, or one of many others depending on our mood). Our choice aligned itself with whatever big-league play was on at the time or simply our latest fad. Apart from sports, we often constructed imaginary play scenarios and acted them out together, or built legoes and created elaborate storylines for them.

    Even bad weather was no hindrance. On rainy days, we'd gather inside to play board games or just to talk. Winter presented us with unique possibilities: snow-fort construction, always striving for the biggest and the strongest. Snowball wars, divided up into teams and with rules about permitted materials (ice not included) and body zones to avoid (head shots didn't count). "Sledding" down the meager mounds we built from the snow shoveled off the driveway. When we couldn't feel our toes and fingers anymore, we'd collect inside to drink hot chocolate and play Monopoly.

    Darkness didn't stop us. On those endless summer nights of fireflies and seductive warmth we amused ourselves with a much trickier variant of hide-and-seek called "flashlight tag". The person who was "it" wielded the flashlight, and anyone caught in its beam was out. This necessitated much more inventive hiding and commando-like sneaking through the brush. Strategies included black clothing and face paint for camouflage.

    Sometimes, we'd just sit outside and look up at the stars and wonder at the universe.

    The nearby creek represented endless discovery. Despite the shallowness in summer, we waded into the deepest part to "swim", carefully avoiding the multitudinous crayfish and their tiny but vicious pinches. We constructed dams out of rocks and congratulated ourselves on the deepness of the pools that resulted. We caught crayfish, utilizing the most accurate method (carefully and slowly sneak a net or container down behind them, then scare them from the front, making them shoot backwards). We netted small fish: once I kept a stickleback for several months, until it slowly nibbled away at a tadpole I added for company. We went fishing, despite the fact that our most impressive catches rarely registered over six inches. We waded across and explored the woods on the other side, using a downed tree as a "fort". Once three of our most adventurous friends constructed a raft and floated down the creek into the pond, nearly capsizing themselves in the process and having to be rescued.

    We spent entire days hiking through the forest and swinging from the ponderous hairy vines that hung from the trees in a way that would have credited any tropical forest. We climbed trees: one in our yard was so perfect and climbed so frequently that I could swing up it as smoothly and as quickly as a monkey. One of my favorite spots to read was perched on the low branch of another tree. The giant willow with its two tire swings amused us endlessly until it came crashing down in an ill-fated windstorm.

    There were also more solitary pursuits. I was an inveterate collector and our yard represented collector's paradise. We theorized that it must have been a colonial dump due to the number of glass bottles, porcelain pieces, doll parts, and rusted iron implements we dug up. Once I found an African coin complete with a full-masted clipper on one side and a hole through the top (sadly lost long ago). I had a lovely collection of intact glass soft drinks bottles, including Pepsi and the famous Coke bottle. Ours was also an area rich in fossils, and my entire room turned into a display of my prized collection. Finally, fed up with dirt and stray rock bits, my mother made me move the impromptu museum into the basement: a transgression I have only recently forgiven her for since they all disappeared.

    Because we were solely responsible for coming up with our own entertainment, we were nearly unlimited in our inventiveness. My two younger brothers and I had to be forcibly pried away from spending every spare moment with our friends and outdoors. When we were (our parents were of the opinion that too much time with them wasn't good for us), we mourned. Nobody had to put us into a summer program, or convince us that physical activity was a good thing. We were lean and strong as whips and happily self-motivated. We got messy and dirty and cut and bruised and gloriously tired out. And we enjoyed it.

    When I look back, this part of my childhood seems like paradise: the writer's dream of a long, lazy, free existence owned by a gang of kids who roam at will.

    In a typical memory, it is summer. The sun has come up through the tree outside my window with the promise of another blazing-hot, perfect day. We will gather together with Casey, Mike, Dave, and if necessary, our wider circle of friends, and we'll plan what to do for the day. We'll pick teams, and go. All day long, until we are reluctantly called home for supper, we will play. We'll make plans to gather up again after supper. And we'll play again until our curfew cuts us off and we have to troop home, with assurances that we'll do it all again tomorrow.

    I never thought I was old enough for this kind of nostalgia. But when I compare our healthy lifestyle with the children who spend most of their time in front of a computer or a TV, I feel very lucky indeed. We were fierce and wild and untameable, but mostly innocent, and we had lots of fun. Thanks to my parents, for one choice well made.

  • Jobless in New Hampshire

    So, I'm without a job. Yet again. The temporary job I had ended just before Christmas last year, just before I took off for a week with my family and spent like there was no tomorrow taking people out and things like that. Because? You only see your family once in a while.

    I sort of half-expected that I'd come back and somehow go walking straight into a job, that I wouldn't be jobless for a month again and have no viable prospect on the horizon. I have an extremely zealous and over-enthusiastic lady working for me at one of my many staff agencies, who gushed, "I can't believe I don't have you working yet!" yesterday when she called me about yet another possibility. I can't believe it either, but it's ok with me, although the bank account has dipped close to zero more than once and is there again. I'm learning how to trust, though it's a rather unpleasant feeling at times when you don't have a clue how you're going to pay your rent in two days.

    But all that given, it's a funny period of time: I think I will probably be moving back to Canada soon, though I don't know exactly when; I need to be working until that time to cover my expenses, though I can't take a permanent job; and even temp jobs seem scarce these days. I'm waiting for a background check at another agency, and once that's completed, in TWO WEEKS, I can, if I wish, take a mind-numbing and low-paying data entry job at a large local insurance provider. Which I will. If I have to.

    So, I'm learning to trust. I've abandoned myself onto God and I know that he has to take care of me. So I don't worry. Not really. Not that I don't think about it. But it's out of my control. So I wait...and do what I can, in the meantime.

    I wish sometimes that life would just fall into place, that things would just happen, that everything would be smooth and normal and reasonable like some people's lives. But mine isn't like that! I seem to have drawn the most unpredictable and unsettled one that I know. But that's ok; I'm learning to surf the waves and live with the adventure. Even if that means close to zero in the bank account on a regular basis. Even if that means no job quite often, and not knowing what country I'll be living in in six months. Even that.

  • Canada

  • So, I got into a bit of trouble today with Homeland Security

    I've heard about photographers getting into trouble for photographing buildings and other public spaces under the Homeland Security Act. Some have debated the actual legality of this. I always wondered if it would ever happen to me. Well, today, it did.

    About two or three miles down the road from where I live is a spectacular power station. Apocalyptic buildings, a railroad track running into it, steel structures, towers, multiple lines—the works. I'd often thought while running past it what a wonderful photo opportunity it would make, particularly at sunset as it's silhouetted by the gorgeous colours of the sky.

    Today, boredom (due to lack of a job, again), looking through some of my old film scans, and a brilliant sunlight combined to hatch a plan. I'd buy some colour film and take my lovely old Canon AE-1 out for a long-overdue expedition to the power station and shoot in the hour or so before sunset. I was a little wary of shooting in the area, realizing that I might get into trouble, but as there were no signs up forbidding photographs, I figured that I could always plead ignorance.

    So the plan was executed; I bought the film, headed out, and got several shots which hopefully will be as fantastic as the viewfinder promised. I worked my way down the road, shooting various vantage points as I went, all the time half-expecting some public service employee to zoom out in one of their official trucks, bark at me, and confiscate my camera.

    Sure enough, I'd gotten to the point at which I couldn't go any further without trespassing, when a grumpy gray-haired woman guarding the gate shouted, "You're not allowed to take photographs." Figuring my time was up, I shot one more and started walking back to my car. I'd gotten all the shots I wanted anyway.

    As I walked back down the road, a car approached, slowed, and pulled over to the side of the road. A big, pleasant-looking man in a green uniform got out.

    "Hello!"

    "Hello."

    "I'm sorry, but you're not allowed to take photographs of the station. Homeland Security and the Coast Guard regulations. You can shoot down the road and that way, but I'm going to have to ask you not to take any photographs past this point." He was kind and almost apologetic, touching my arm placatingly at one point as he spoke.

    "I'm sorry, I didn't know, I won't do it again," I said sincerely. It wasn't really a lie; I'd already gotten the photographs I wanted and had no need to go back.

    "I'm going to have to get your name," he continued, pulling a piece of paper and a pen out of his pocket.

    "What are you going to use it for?" I asked warily.

    "I have to write a report," he replied. "Don't worry, we're not going to use it for anything but that. I have to show it to PSNH, and they're the only ones who are going to see it."

    I've never been tempted so strongly to tell a lie in a long time. But I told him the truth, and watched as he scrawled it in faint pen lines on the graph-lined paper.

    "OK, you're all set, just don't take any photos here anymore," he said as he went to leave.

    I babbled apologetically, "It's just an art thing, I didn't mean any harm by it, I promise I won't do it again." All of which is the truth.

    "It's OK, don't worry, just don't do it again."

    He left and drove off, but not without driving by my car, turning around, and driving past it again. Getting the license plate number, maybe? Oh, well, I won't be back there again taking photos. I just have to hope the ones I got today will be good enough that I'm not tempted.

    But I'm left wondering about the actual legality of forbidding people to take photographs of public places, particularly when no warning signs to the effect are posted. Maybe I'm going to have to look that up...

  • One year later

    This is something I wrote on New Year's Day, 2006. I found it this new year, and could not believe what a difference a year has made. I could not write this anymore. I post it here just to show what my life and my thinking was like a year ago, what it was for years, and how profoundly changed it is now. This was not written for publication, obviously, but since I'm not living it anymore I can publish it without fear:



    I’m sitting here alone, in my rented room, high on the second floor of the house. My housemate and her guests were gone all afternoon and came back in a whirl of snowy laughter and left again just as quickly. I’m eating my not-too-bad packaged pad thai, cooked up for my evening meal. I feel as if I’ve spent the whole day cooking, and cleaning up afterward. Well, that’s a bit of an exaggeration. A significant portion of it more than usual, at least. . .

    Alone. I’ve been alone all day, since coming home from church. I left early. It’s to be questioned if I really wasn’t alone there either. I went, took in the service, talked to a few people and said the expected “happy new years”. The profound sense of not belonging, not fitting in, finally became overwhelming enough to make me walk out, long before the social hour afterward ended.

    The service was jubilant. The church was celebrating those who’d come to Christ in the previous year, and showed a video with highlights of 2005. The worship was exuberant, excited, and many people were dancing uninhibitedly, clearly enjoying God. I watched, the acute pain of feeling like an outsider in the midst of the celebration overridden in moments, but coming back with twisting sharpness just as inevitably. I watched with a smile on my face as Russell and his brother jumped, whirled, and clapped with fists raised in the air, totally abandoned to God’s worship at the front of the church, completely unconscious of what anybody thought. I watched as Megan worshipped God with arms spread outward and a smile of pure joy on her face. I watched as Seth received prayer from a group so large they were jockeying for position to lay hands on him. His hands were upheld and a peaceful smile of bliss was on his face as he received from God. How God must love that, I thought, and the whipping pain of realizing, “I’m not like that,” hit sharp as a fist. Why can’t I be like that? I wonder. How do some people sustain that? Why do some people have such tender hearts? Why do they have no problem allowing God to penetrate them? Why do they so easily bear fruit when I don’t? Hidden and shut away in loneliness and pain, I weep silently and nobody sees. I cry out to God but it seems to make no difference. Hidden from my sight, any prayers for help seem to be met with answers that cause only more pain and don’t bring the solution. Why, I wonder? Why?

    And I know the answer is nothing. I don’t know what the answer is. I bear this pain with a silent grimace and cries inside too stifled to be heard or even felt. I buckle under my pain and settle for enduring it because it seems no help is to be found, no answer is to be had, no solution is at hand. Wretched and hopeless endurance of what I feel that I cannot endure is my life. No amount of prayer, no amount of prophecy, no amount of “inner healing” seems to make a difference. I know that the problem lies with my stubborn will and my refusing to allow God in. But even realizing that makes no difference. I can’t overcome it.

    I live in pain. My days are spent in misery. I am eaten up with loneliness, with the longing for someone to see me inside as I am and care. I wish that someone could help me. I fear utter abandonment, total loneliness. My social encounters are meaningless and bored. I can’t recall the last real or memorable conversation I had with anyone. Glib exchanges focus on appearing as normal and happy as possible. Never do they dip beneath the surface because my highest value is self-preservation, my worst fear being found out. I keep polite conversations as short as possible, to minimize the length of time I have to make the effort to pretend. I hate parties, groups of people, and conversations where people ask about myself. Which is most of them, since all of us are polite enough to play that game.

    Whatever. Even writing this provides no catharsis. I will go to bed alone, in sodden and sullen pain, and wake up in the morning, and go to work at my meaningless job, and come home and go through the routines of eating and cleaning and checking email and talking on the phone and getting ready for bed and going to bed and I’ll get up again the next morning and do it all the same. No light breaks into this darkness, no respite from the pain. Where this will go or I will go nobody knows. Stay tuned.



    When I read this now, my only reaction is profound and absolute gratitude to Jesus. He broke in. He changed everything. That's the answer to anyone who wonders why I, or anyone else, would want to live for him?